The Slayer Bride
by Lora Darcy
Summary: The Princess Bride: the “Buffy parts” version. Not just your basic, average, everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum crossover.
1. Prologue

**Title**:    The Slayer Bride Part 1/?

**Author**: Lora Darcy

**Email**: lora_darcy@yahoo.com

**Feedback**: Please.

**Summary**: The Princess Bride: the "Buffy parts" version.  Not just your basic, average, everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill crossover.

**Rating**: PG

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the character found in the following story.  The Princess Bride is the property of William Goldman, MGM, and Ballantine Books.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

**Notes**: The narrative is set roughly in early season 6, prior to Giles departure.  The actual story within the story is not set within any particular season of Buffy and is completely AU.  (You will see that a season is not necessary and actually completely irrelevant.)  

**ATTENTION:** As of June 26, 2003 I'm reediting all parts, in preparation for my big update!  Sorry this story has been the same for so long.  I'm afraid I was very busy and had no free time.  (Blech!) At last, however, summer has arrived.  I promise to give ample attention to all my fics.  Also, if you ever see any stupid typos (which, even I, make on occasion) or find something that you think doesn't quite fit, please let me know!

Prologue

Rupert Giles was sick.  Not with a trifling cold, mind.  Somehow, Giles had succeeded in catching the flu.  Sprawled across his living room couch, the Brit had been reduced to the lowest of all activities: watching television.  He loathed being sick.  Sore eyes and blurry vision prevented him from reading a good book.  He'd even tried to read the comics section of the newspaper, but even that proved too much for his ailing head.  A hoarse voice kept him from using the telephone to reconnect with any of his friends back home in Britain.  Unfortunately, his computer smarts, or lack thereof, barred him from communicating with them via the strange and fascinating realm of the internet. Despite his years in Sunnydale and subsequent connection with the Scooby gang, Giles had yet to conquer that dread machine. A broken VCR prevented him from watching any of his favorite BBC tapes. All that was left to him was the telly.  Of course, it had to be two in the afternoon.

He had ultimately decided to watch the _Jerry Springer Show_.  After watching the first few moments of _The Young and the Restless_, Giles had been forced to call it quits.  The soap just hadn't matched up to _Passions_, which he had first experienced (and strangely come to enjoy) while living with Spike.  The former librarian hadn't been able to stomach infomercials, and _Pokemon_ had failed to appeal to him.  He'd been left with two exceedingly difficult choices: _Ricky__Lake_or _Jerry Springer_.  Jerry, however, was having a special "supernatural kids" episode.  The episode seemed to be entitled "My child is a freak who thinks Halloween lasts year long."  Giles hope it would at least provide some distraction for him.

"You call her a teenage witch?" He mumbled, pointing at a sullen-looking "Goth" teenager on his television screen.  "Looks like she's just been spending too much time in the Salem Museum gift shop.  And everyone knows no _real_ witches were there anyway."   Giles glared at Jerry Springer, who was introducing the show's next guest.  The tv series was obviously clueless about the true mystical world.  "What? And you think that's a Derali Demon?    That guy looks more like my Grandmother than…" Rupert Giles trailed off, overcome by sneezes.  As he desperately fumbled for a clean tissue, he heard a knock sound on his door.

"Oh… Achoo! Bloody… achoo… Hell," Giles garbled, his sneeze attack rendering his speech nearly unintelligible.  The sickly man slowly bumbled towards the door.  "Ack… who cwoob id be?"  At long last, the Brit's sneezes seemed to have reached an end.  After wiping his nose and eyes one last time, Giles reached towards the doorknob.  Flinging it open, he was surprised to find Dawn and Tara.

"Hi Giles!" Dawn greeted, a smile on her face.  Her grin widened as she noticed Giles' disheveled appearance.  He was not the authoritative Giles she was used to.  Instead, the man was clad only in a long blue bathrobe.  His hair was askew and his glasses were dirty and bent, unable to conceal too-bright eyes.  Beyond Giles, Dawn noticed an open bottle of cough syrup, a tablespoon resting against it.  Clean and used tissues were scattered across a small couch and coffee table.  Several fluffy pillows lay across an armchair, while a fleece blanket hung over the edge of the sofa.  Beyond the couch, Dawn could clearly see the aged machine that Giles' referred to as his television set.  Jerry Springer appeared to be his current viewing pleasure.  Next Christmas they would have to get him a little thing called cable, and maybe some decent electronics.

Both young women walked inside, the apartment door swinging shut behind them.  "Buffy told us you were sick," Tara informed Giles, answering the befuddled expression plastered across his sickly face.  "We thought you'd need supplies."  The witch held up a large Safeway plastic bag.  "We have everything you'll be needing: tea, soup, cough drops, Motrin-"

"And we're bringing in the fun!" Dawn cut in, unable to hold back her excitement for a moment longer. Grinning, she pulled a worn book from behind her back.  "I'm making sure your entertainment is completely provided for.  No more Springer for you."  With a slight skip, Dawn hurried past the ill Giles and towards his family room.  "How can you watch this stuff anyway?  I mean, Buffy and I will watch practically, but…" She trailed off, shuddering.  "That show just gives me major wiggins."  With a final shudder, Dawn turned off the television set, silencing the talk show.  "But trust me Giles, you're going to like my entertainment so much better!"

Tara laughed softly at Dawn's outburst.  "I think I'll leave you two pals alone now."  Turning to Giles, she added "I'll go make you some soup.  I think Dawnie's present will help you feel better."  With a final half-smile, Tara headed to the apartment's small, but functional, kitchen.

Giles moved towards his sofa, longing to sit down.  "What exactly is your entertainment Dawn?" He questioned, reclining in his chair.

"You're going to love it, trust me."  Dawn pulled a chair over by Giles' sofa, and promptly plopped herself in it.  "This is the book my Grandpa used to read to my mother when she was sick, and Mom used to read it to me.  So today I think I should read it to you.  It's just amazing.  And it will help you to relax.  You'll like it.  The guy who wrote it was some sort of genius with a big head.  Apparently he could speak eight different languages or something."

Wrapping a blanket around himself, Giles nodded.  He was flattered by Dawn's wish to read to him.  Joyce's death had certainly been hard on the girl.  Recently she had been acting distant, and it was obvious that Dawn wanted a chance to feel helpful.  "I'm sure I'll enjoy listening to it.  Before you begin, however, does it have any magic in it?"  Giles always did love a good book chock full of spells and the like.

"You've got to be joking.  Does it have any?  This book has it all." Dawn suddenly seemed to grow very passionate.  "Slaying.  Fighting.  Torture.  Revenge.  Vampires.  Demons.  Chases.  Escapes.  Pain.  Death.  Lies.  True love.  Passion.  Miracles."

"Sounds intriguing.  Do proceed…"  Giles would try to stay awake.

"Here goes!"  Dawn opened the book.  "The Slayer Bride, by S. Morgenstern.  Chapter One.  The Groom."


	2. Chapter One: The Groom

**Title**:    The Slayer Bride Part 2/?

**Author**: Lora Darcy

**Email**: lora_darcy@yahoo.com

**Feedback**: Please.  The more reviews I get, the better this story will be!

**Summary**: The Princess Bride: the "Buffy parts" version.  Not just your basic, average, everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill crossover.

**Rating**: PG

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the character found in the following story.  The Princess Bride is the property of William Goldman, MGM, and Ballantine Books.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

**Notes**: I was going to follow the chapters in the book precisely.  I have now realized, however, that they are just a little too long.  So most chapters will parallel the book.  Some, however, will be slightly subdivided.  That way I can write more frequently without losing Goldman's overall intentions with the chapters.  Also, I know a lot of you don't like Riley.  Heck, I'm not his biggest fan.  After a great deal of thinking, however, I realized that he was the best candidate to play Buttercup.  Buffy HAD to be Westley.  Buttercup is too wimpy to be played by Angel and I had plans for Spike elsewhere.  Plus, doesn't Riley just sort of *remind* you of Buttercup?  Seriously, think about it. Anyhoo… This will still be a good, humorous, story.  Please don't let Riley factor keep you from reading…  

**Another Note:** You'll see that this was also revised on June 26, 2003.  Please send in comments! I live for them.  They are great motivation.

Chapter One: The Groom 

Riley Finn was raised on a farm in Huxley, Iowa.  After joining the military, however, he promptly headed towards the legendary land of California.  (This being after the formation of California.)  Soon he settled in the town of Sunnydale and took up residence in a small, modestly priced apartment in close proximity to U.C. Sunnydale's campus.  His favorite pastimes were studying Psychology, working on special military operations, and helping as a teaching assistant at the university.  With a 6'2" muscular body, piercing blue eyes, and sandy blonde hair, Riley was one of the handsomest men in all world.  (He was by no means number one on the list of gorgeous men, but managed to squeak nicely into the top twenty.)  However, Riley did not particularly care how he looked, nor did he care about beauty rankings.  He wore the typical Iowa farm boy clothes and still washed his hair with Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo.  (This being before guys learned of the existence of a thing called fashion.  Fashion had been around since the dawning of time.  It just took men longer to catch onto it.  They're still trying today.) Nothing gave Riley Finn as much pleasure as driving his car or babbling to the young blonde student in his Psychology 101 class.  Her name was Buffy Anne Summers, but he never called her that.

*****

"Isn't that a wonderful beginning?" Dawn asked Giles, sighing melodramatically.  Something about the book always touched her from its very start.  Dawn was even a little bit glad for Giles' illness, as it provided an opportunity to re-read her favorite novel.

"Oh yes," Giles stammered, trying to sound upbeat.  "It's really good."  Truthfully, he found the book to be less than captivating.  Perhaps it would cease to be senseless drivel at some point.  He certainly hoped it would improve.  But he had promised Dawn she could read to him and could not bring himself to disappoint the girl.  Besides, it was better than the daytime television alternative.  After blowing his nose in yet another tissue, Giles motioned for the young Summers' girl to continue.

*****

Buffy was even more beautiful than Riley Finn was handsome.  Her loveliness was evident by her petite body and long flowing blonde hair.  Unlike most women, Buffy possessed a unique nimbleness and strength.  (Buffy, it must be noted, also happened to be one of the most beautiful women in the land.  She was also the only one with any muscle or brains.  The rest were so frail it seemed as though they would topple over on a windy day.  Some of them even had.)  Buffy lived in an average-sized house on Revello Drive within the Sunnydale city limits.  Not one to be trifled with, Buffy had a personality all her own.  Like any young woman, she had numerous dreams and wishes for the future.  And, also like any young woman, she had yet to figure out what exactly those dreams were.  (As this was before the discovery school guidance counselors and psychiatrists, all youths had to decide his or her future alone.  A frightful prospect indeed.)

Riley first met Buffy during a psychology-centered conversation with Willow Rosenberg.  Buffy had been forced off to the side during their discussion, due to her lack of knowledge in the realm of the social sciences.  At a later meeting, Riley had forgotten her name and had embarrassingly been forced to call her "Willow's Friend." Somehow, the nickname remained in Riley's mind. He had, of course, learned Buffy's real name shortly afterwards, but, as they say, old habits die-hard. (Yup, this was after sayings too.  Ben Franklin had started them long ago with his crazy almanacs.)  The nickname of "Willow's Friend" stuck. Buffy would respond to the title and would always do whatever Riley told her to do. (This was long before feminists.  Men went around ordering people about, just like Mr. Rochester in _Jane Eyre_.) Granted, Buffy couldn't always exactly complete Riley's assigned tasks (she wasn't a robot after all), but would always desperately try to do so.  It wasn't her fault if extenuating circumstances routinely arouse, preventing the task's success.   Still, nothing gave Riley more pleasure than ordering Buffy around.  "Willow's Friend.  Read pages 94-115 for Psychology.  I want to see a top-notch paper on it first thing tomorrow morning."

"Uh-huh. Yup.  Dub me I'll-do-as-you-wish-Gal."

That was all she ever answered.  "Uh-huh.  Yup.  Dub me I'll-do-as-you-wish-Gal."  Complete this, Willow's Friend.    "Uh-huh.  Yup.  Dub me I'll-do-as-you-wish-Gal."  Do that, Willow's Friend.  "Uh-huh.  Yup.  Dub me I'll-do-as-you-wish-Gal."  

Willow's Friend, don't fall asleep during class.  "Uh-huh.  Yup.  Dub me I'll-do-as-you-wish-Gal."  One day, Buffy's green eyes remained on Riley longer than necessary.  Unnerved, Riley tacked an awkward "please" onto his request.  That day, he was amazed to discover that as Buffy said "Uh-huh.  Yup.  Dub me I'll-do-as-you-wish-Gal" what she meant was "I love you."

Even more amazing was the day that Riley realized he truly loved her back.  It was a gradual emotion, (as love often is) whose forcefulness took Riley by surprise.  "Willow's Friend," Riley said slowly, his mind reeling from his sudden awareness of his feelings, "umm… hand me that pen."

Buffy looked at a red ballpoint pen resting on the front desk in their Psychology classroom.  Suddenly shy, her fingers delicately grasped the writing implement.  With her hand extended, Buffy turned towards Riley, slowly saying, "Uh-huh….  Yup….  Dub me I'll-do-as-you…." Riley silenced Buffy's words by bending over and placing his mouth on hers.  The two locked in a passionate kiss.

_*****_

"Ahem!" An agitated Giles exclaimed, a frown across his pale face.  "Hold it! Stop, Dawn, stop.  What is this?  Are you trying to trick me?  Where's the magic and the fighting?" He paused for a moment, his displeasure increasing.  "Is this a romance?" His frown increased, his displeasure clearly evident.  "You know, I could be watching something of better quality on The Young and the Restless right now…"

"Giles! Just be patient," Dawn chuckled, rolling her eyes.  "Like I said before, trust me.  Just wait, just wait."

"Well, does it ever become… good?" Giles questioned, nervously.  He was beginning to regret agreeing to be entertained by a teenage girl.  Past experience in a high school library should have warned him about the trivial interests of adolescents.  He should have known better than to enter into a situation like this.  It seemed, however, that he no choice but to listen to the teenager.  Dawn loved the book, so something must be pleasant about it – he hoped.  

"Geez Giles.  Listen much?  Please just chill for a minute.  It will get good. This is even better than Bridget Jones's Diary."  Dawn thought she heard Giles' let out a despairing sigh.  Frowning, the teenager gave Giles her sternest, most impressive, teacher-inspired glare.  "Now let me read!"

*********


	3. Chapter Two: Of Departures & Death

I'm not saying a disclaimer with every chapter now.  It's on both chapter one and chapter two.  See those chapters for proper ownership of characters, etc.  I don't own 'em, but wish I did…

New Note: Also updated on June 26, 2003.  Yay me!

_Chapter Two: Of Departure and Death_

            As much as Buffy loved Riley, she knew she could not remain in Sunnydale.  At least, not for the time being.  Both Riley and Buffy were unprepared for marriage.  After all, they had just shared their first kiss.  Buffy knew that real life wasn't like the fairy-tales.  (Yup, it was after fairy-tales.  But it was before folk tales.  Morals had no place in fiction.) A long kiss and a declaration of love do not immediately guarantee "happily ever after."  Sure, the happy ending would come eventually, but one would always have to do a little bit of work to get there.

            While the sun set behind Sunnydale's small movie theatre, Buffy gently broke news of her departure to Riley.  "I've got to leave," Buffy told Riley, solemnly.  "This," she paused, gesturing to Riley and herself, "just can't happen yet.  We just aren't ready.  I mean, we've only just started dating and all.  And then there's the whole lack of job thing.  The only money I have is from the 'Take a penny, leave a penny' jar at Walgreens.  Not exactly enough to support us for long.  Hence, the necessity for me to leave.  The bus for LA leaves the depot in an hour, so…"

            Needless to say, Riley did not handle the news of Buffy's departure very well.  It was a very emotional time for him.  "Are you really going?"  Riley asked, blue eyes downcast.  "It's just…I'm afraid I'm never going to see you again."

            "Course you will," Buffy asserted.  "Sure, it might take me a little while to get to LA." (This was after bad Southern California Traffic.  No one has ever been able to build roads well enough to prevent jams.  Traffic congestion has existed since Adam and Eve were first kicked out of the Garden of Eden.  And they probably had to wait in a line for an hour just to do that.)  "And sure," Buffy continued, "it will probably take a while for me to get the whole job thing happening, but…" The petite woman trailed off, realizing her words were not helping Riley's condition.  She knew what she wanted to say, but somehow seemed to have difficulty transferring her thoughts into words.  A second attempt would be necessary.

            "Listen to me: I'll always come back."  Buffy stood on her tiptoes, raising her hand to Riley's cheek.  She desperately wanted to comfort her lover.  "I promise…"

            "But how can you be sure?"  Riley questioned, still dubious of Buffy's promise.  He feared that something would happen to her, preventing his love from ever returning to him.  "How do- how do you know?"

            Buffy smiled at Riley.  "Yay, you're giving me an easy one.  Here I was thinking you were going to try and give me a stumper."  Even Buffy noticed that her feeble joke attempt had fallen flat.  Riley refused to perk up.  "Riley," She said slowly, affectionately stretching out his name.  "This is true love.  Stop and take a look around!"  Buffy motioned to the couples with fantastically amazing timing, who just happened to be emerging from the nearby movie theatre.  

One middle-aged couple was shouting so loudly, they could probably be heard inside the Bronze.  Even though the club was blocks away, had closed metal doors, and always played blaring music, the fighting couple's words would still be audible.  "You always do this!" They heard the woman bark, her scrunched face changing into an uncomfortable beet red.  "You always blame it on me!  You always blame me for all your problems!" The couple began to move down the street, their arguments reaching a fevered pitch.  

Buffy then pointed to another couple.  A younger man and woman were also exiting the theatre.  The man had his arm around his wife's shoulder, and it was obvious the hand was only there from habit.  It seemed that physical contact between the two was something they both abhorred.  Their heads were turned in opposite directions, as if even a glance at their partner was horribly repugnant.  The pair was eerily silent.

"See?" Buffy asked Riley, with a grinning impishly.  She just loved being right.  "This is true love.  Don't you understand?  This kind of thing doesn't happen every day."  She raised her face to smile up at Riley.  Finally, Riley smiled back.  His hand drifted to the back of Buffy's head as the two lovers shared a final, passionate kiss.

***

Following Buffy's departure, Riley could do nothing but mope.  The woman of his dreams had left, Sunnydale life lost all meaning, he was desolate, how could he continue on, yadda yadda yadda.  Only after his friends had routinely taunted him and the title of "Sissy Boy" had permanently attached itself to his name, was Riley able to console himself.  Of course, the entire mocking process had only taken about ten minutes to occur.  

Riley quickly realized the error of his sulking.  Buffy was on her way to Los Angeles.  Who knew what she'd encounter there?  Perhaps Buffy would run into a hot, young, dangerous movie star (even worse- what if it was a hot, young, dangerous, FOREIGN, movie star.  From what Riley heard the British imports were the biggest threat to the ladies…) and promptly forget all about Sunnydale and Riley.  Or, even worse, what if she came back and said, "You have moped way too much.  You used to be all muscular and sexy, but now you've gained a lot of weight and the muscle's definitely all fat.  Your skin's lost it's healthy tan glow and you're eyes have gotten all big and bulgy from too much crying.  Now you look more like the Pillsbury Doughboy than someone I would ever want to marry.  I'm hooking up with a college freshman who lives in a dorm nearby and is always in peak condition."

Riley vowed never to disappoint Buffy.  Out went the Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo and Iowa farm clothes.  In came a sleek new hair cut, hair gel, and a studly leather jacket. A new gym membership increased his muscles and killed his leftover baby fat.  In a short number of days Riley sailed up the beauty charts.  He was no longer squeaking into the top twenty.  Now, he ranked number one.

All of his actions had only one purpose: to intensify Buffy's love for him.  Riley still loved her furiously.  He would talk to anyone about Buffy, sometimes going on for hours about how wonderful her hair was, or how amazing a kisser she was.  He spoke with his friends, neighbors, the mailman, the waiter at Pizza Hut, and dog from down the street about the wonders of Buffy.  The conversations quickly drove them insane, but what could they do? It was obvious that Riley was completely in love with everything Buffy.  

Which was why Riley was so devastated days later.

Buffy never reached her destination.  She was attacked by the fierce Watcher's Council, whose vampire slayer never left anyone alive.  When Riley learned that Buffy had been murdered–

***

"Finally!" Giles interrupted, enthusiastically.  "Something good is happening.  A murder, wonderful!"  This new vampire slayer murder could really improve the story.  "Murdered by a slayer is good!"

            "Done talking?" Dawn asked, giggling slightly.  She'd never forget Giles comment on murder.  Next time a big bad showed up trying to end the world or whatnot, she'd have to remind Giles of what he just said.  "'Cause I want to go on now. The good stuff hasn't even happened yet…"

***

When Riley learned that Buffy had been murdered – he went into his apartment and shut the door.  For days he neither slept nor ate.  He knew that he would never love anyone again.


	4. Chapter Three: The Bride

I lied… Somehow I stuck on a disclaimer on this part.  My bad.

**Title**:    The Slayer Bride Part 4/?

**Author**: Lora Darcy

**Email**: lora_darcy@yahoo.com

**Feedback**: Please.  The more reviews I get, the better this story will be!  Please review!!

**Summary**: The Princess Bride: the "Buffy parts" version.  Not just your basic, average, everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum crossover.

**Rating**: PG

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the character found in the following story.  The Princess Bride is the property of William Goldman, MGM, and Ballantine Books.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

**A note by me, the author:  **Yay! I even updated this part for you guys.  Some of the changes are rather minor to all these chapters, but I really think they improve the overall tone of the story.

Chapter Three: The Bride 

             Appearance-wise, Princess Glorificus most resembled a Prom Queen.  She was fairly tall, thin, with a volumous wavy blonde hair that practically screamed for a shiny tiara.  Glory, as she preferred to be called by everyone save the hired help, walked like a drill sergeant, with purposeful strides, a commanding air, and perfectly erect posture.  If she had wanted to be a librarian, she would have led a miserable life.  The woman was incapable of talking softly; whispers were unknown to her.  She always knew what she wanted and immediately ordered that it be accomplished.  Always in her loudest, most domineering voice.   Luckily, she had never wanted to be a librarian.  She had never really wanted to be much of anything, for that matter.  Books didn't interest her.  Math didn't interest her.  Most sports even failed to win her approval.  Even fashion, which she excelled at, failed to be her favorite pastime.  No, only two things truly interested Glorificus: hunting and becoming Queen.

            There wasn't too much she could do about becoming Queen.  It was obvious that one day her crazy mother would die, paving the way for Glory to achieve, ahem, glory as a monarch.  (Sunnydale was an unusual country where the throne was always passed from female to female.  Kings would only reign as a last resort.  The family had always been big on women's rights, a rarity for the times…) When the time came for Princess Glory to take her place as Queen, she'd be ready for it.  As it was, she practically ruled the country anyway.  (The Queen, as mentioned before, was delusional and unfit to rule over her pet birds, let alone an entire country.)

            Hunting was Glory's other love.  And it wasn't the hunting you see in modern times.  Glory didn't go into practice fields and shoot at fake birds.  She was more of a trained killer.  A sick, strange, trained killer.  She loved to take out individual persons and slowly and painfully kill them.  All aspects of killing intrigued her.  Glory would spend hours forming strategies, tracking animals, and planning her moves.  No spies ever frequented Sunnydale.  Glorificus always managed to track them down, torture them, and remove them from the country. (Of course, they were always dead by this point in time.)  Then, she'd plan on taking out whatever country had sent the spies in the first place.

            War was another thing Glory was fond of.  It incorporated all the elements of life she enjoyed.  In battle, Glory was able to order soldiers around, watch the suffering of enemy troops, torture spies, and even, if time allowed for it, kill a few enemies herself.  And, amazingly, she did it all while wearing heels.

            Unfortunately for Princess Glory, Sunnydale wasn't at war with anyone at the moment.  Things were horribly quiet and peaceful.  And she didn't really like it. Life was boring.  So boring, in fact, that Glory had even contemplated reading a book.  Before such a dreadful event occurred however, she had an ingenious idea.  If she couldn't go to battles, she was going to bring the battles to Sunnydale.

            So, to end her own dreary boredom, Princess Glory created the Crypt of Death.  Well, technically, it should have been called the Sewers of Death.  The crypt just happened to be above the entrance to the sewers.  But "sewers" just didn't have the same chilling ring as "crypt."  Glory had designed the Crypt herself, with the help of Count Angelus, and had stocked with some of the most ferocious creatures from around the world.  It housed every type of demon and beast imaginable: hellhounds, werewolves, zombies, giant spiders, trolls, and a plethora of other demons and creep-crawly things.  The Crypt was filled with things that Glory could hunt or torture whenever she had the urge to do so.  Only Glory, her right-hand man Angelus, and Jonathan, the Crypt of Death's keeper, were ever allowed inside. (Jonathan had the fun task of feeding the creatures and making sure the place always smelled pine-fresh.  Glory had an extremely sensitive nose and hated the usual stench associated with sewers and monsters.  Jonathan constantly had to put out air-fresheners to keep the sewers from smelling foul.) They were the only people to have keys to the Crypt's entrance, and the only individuals who knew the secret entrance to the sewers.

            Glory left the deepest, darkest sewer in the Crypt of Death empty.  She had yet to discover any person, animal, or demon worthy of filling the cavernous sewer.  But Glory was optimistic.  Someday she would find something or *someone* who was dangerous and powerful enough to belong in the room.  And when it arrived, Glory would be ready.

            One day, Angelus interrupted Glory while she was busy killing a pesky Skilosh demon.  "Sorry to bother your… fight," Angelus stated.  "But I have news."

            Glory frowned, her concentration on the demon.  "Newsflash: I'm busy here.  Can't you wait?"

            "For how long exactly?" Angelus asked, rolling his eyes.  As much as he enjoyed watching violence, he did have more important things to do than watch Glory fight a demon all day.  He'd just purchased a new torture device and was longing to set it up.

            S

             P

              L

               A

                 T

            The Skilosh demon slammed into the ground, a knife lodged in its throat.  "See?  That didn't take long.  Now, what are you bothering me about?" Glory asked, daintily stepping over the dead demon, careful to keep her satin pumps from being stained by demon blood.  She liked these shoes, and demon goo never washed out.

            "The Queen just had her annual physical," Angelus informed the princess.

            "And?  She does that every year.  Why is this important?"

            "Well, it looks like the old girl is finally dying."

            "Really? Damn it!" exclaimed Glory.  "Right when I was really enjoying being single.  I'm going to have to get married now.  That's really going to cut into my free time."


	5. Chapter Four: The Courtship

Title: The Slayer Bride Part 5/?

Author: Lora Darcy

Email: lora_darcy@yahoo.com

Notes: Finally, at long last, a new chappie!  *insert trumpet fanfare* Yayness.  Please, PLEASE review.  Really, it just makes such a difference when you contact me.  Any comments you can give –any at all– would be wicked useful.  So please, submit reviews.  Or send me an email.  Whichever.  Just please give me feedback!

Chapter Four: The Courtship

Four of them met in her dressing room, the unofficial "oval office" of the Sunnydale mansion.  Princess Glorificus, her partner-in-evil, Angelus, her mother, the insane Queen Drusilla, and the Prince-Consort Daniel Osbourne, her unobtrusive and not-quite-so-wicked stepfather.

Daniel Osbourne was a werewolf. And played guitar in a band.  He was considered, more or less, to be the coolest person in the kingdom and had married the Queen before she had gone completely batty. Glory (and the rest of the kingdom) only ever called him Oz.

"Okay then," Glory said when they were all together.  She stood in front of three full-length mirrors (as she did for all necessary meetings) admiring herself and her latest ensemble.  "Who do I have to marry?  Let's just find who's not too smart, can look good in a tux, and get it done.  Newsflash: I have more important things to do right now."

Insane Queen Drusilla said, "Miss Edith wants a party.  But she can't or else the tea will spill everywhere.  She doesn't know what to do!"  Only Dru didn't talk to anyone in the room, but talked to Glory's dresser.  And, in true Drusilla fashion, the Miss Edith she constantly talked about wasn't really a person, as much as an old doll.

Oz was the only person who ever bothered to try and understand Drusilla.  Everyone else simply rolled their eyes, reminded themselves that the Queen was clearly loopy, and went on with their conversations.  "She wants you to find someone who's pretty easy-going," Oz guessed.  Unfortunately for him, Oz never translated Drusilla's comments correctly.  Then again, no one really seemed to mind.  Drusilla didn't care, Glory didn't care, the kingdom didn't care.  Despite the rather large odds against his translations, Oz still went on.  He figured someone had to try and make the Queen feel included.  Even if she was insane.

"I don't care who we choose," Glory snapped.  "Find me somebody!  He just as to look nice and smell normal, that's all I care about."

Then Angelus stepped forward.  "You say all you want is someone good looking.  What if he doesn't like fighting?"

"The less violent, the better," Glorificus replied, starting to pace in front of her mirrors.

"What if he likes basketball?"  Angelus went on.  (Yes, Sunnydale inhabitants had discovered their own variation of basketball.  Other than the name, however, the sport has little connection to today's hoops.  Their basketball was played with balls of peanut-butter, the smoother the spread, the harder the game.)

"I don't care if he's an absolute moron who spends all his free time studying cheese," Glory said. "Search everywhere and get me someone so good looking that everyone else will be jealous."

Angelus smiled wickedly.  "No problem.  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've already found a winner." 

He went over to Glory's "bookshelf," which consisted of about eight different women's magazines, a Complete Idiot's Guide to Maiming, and the Harry Potter books (Glory was quite fond of that Voldey guy), and pulled out a copy of People Magazine's Fifty Most Beautiful People edition.  "What about this guy?" He asked, flipping through the pages until he found a photograph of Riley Finn.  "No one will snicker over him, I think.  Although he does lack a little…. something.  Too tan?"

Glory shrugged.  "He'll do.  Not like I want to love him.  Just want to marry him."  She sighed.  "Now go and get him.  I want to go watch Jonathan try to feed my hyena people.  He just gets so scared!" She laughed and walked out of the room.  With the upcoming nuptials, she had no idea when she would next be able to mock her crypt's keeper.  Things were about to get *very* busy.

A/N:  Okay.  Made a few minor changes to this part to update things a bit.  Hope to have a new chappie up soon as well. (January 4, 2004).


	6. Chapter Five: The Announcement

Title: The Slayer Bride Part 6/?

Author: Lora Darcy

Email: lora_darcy@yahoo.com

A/N:  Done a bit of revisions for you guys.  Tweaked the chapter a bit.  Plan to post Chapter 6 very shortly.  (And it is sooo good, if I do say so myself!)

Chapter Five: The Announcement

What, with one thing and another, four years passed.

The main street of Sunnydale city was filled as never before, awaiting the introduction of Princess Glory's groom-to-be, "Prince" Riley of Iowa.  A large crowd had begun to assemble days in advance.  There were no empty tables at the Expresso Pump.  People packed into the street, anxious for a glimpse of the Prince.  Hours before the event, the roads swelled with hoards of citizens who had heard implausible tales of the new Prince's looks and charm.  All the tabloids were filled with stories of Prince Riley or of the aging and increasingly senile Queen Drusilla.  Each tale seemed more implausible than the next.

At noon, Glory appeared at a specially designed stage in the middle of the street. She raised her arms, expensive jewelry glittering in the sunlight, and began to speak.

"My precious people.  Today's the start of a big time for the 'Dale.  God knows--Whoops! Sorry there.  Didn't mean to bring the big G into it.   Anyway, you've all heard already how Queen mommy dearest isn't doing cartwheels any more.  She's gone and decided to get sick (in more ways than one) and the little docs all say that means its time for me to give up bachlorette lifestyle."

The crowd began to stir.  At last, they hoped to learn the truth behind the rumors.  The Princess would tell them about Prince Riley of Iowa.

"In a month, Sunnydale is having our 400th anniversary.  That night, I'm going to have a big party: I'm getting married."

The crowd began to "ooh" and "ah."

"Yup, that's right.  And I'm marrying a guy who used to be nothing more than your regular corn-fed college Cub Scout."  Glory paused dramatically.

"Now for the big introduction.  All my people, meet Prince Riley Finn of Iowa."  From out of the movie theatre an extremely handsome and well-dressed Riley Finn emerged and slowly began to make his way through the mass of people and towards Glory's stage. 

And the entire crowd, quite literally, dropped their jaws.

The older "Prince" Riley was miles away from his younger, non-stop-mope-fest self.  He was resplendent, he was handsome, he was somehow… hot.  His figure faults were gone: his stomach was now well-muscled; his shoulders and arms finally appeared proportional to the rest of his body.  His hair, which had once been dirty blonde, was still mostly dirty blonde, except that before, he had only gone to a barber, whereas now he had a hair-stylist and his own colorist to create that pleasant "sun-kissed" effect.  (This was long after highlights.  In fact, highlights have been around for thousands of years.  As long as there have been blondes, there has existed "blonde envy" necessitating the use of hair dye.  Sir Lancelot was the first to hire his own, personal colorist to ensure up-to-the-moment root maintenance.)

"Okay, that's enough," Glory hissed through her teeth, grabbing Riley's hand.  (He had reached her side by this point.)  "We can't have you out there too much.  Or we'll have to worry about over-exposure.  I don't want our approval ratings to go down because of that.  People get tired of seeing the same people all the time, like with Ashton and Demi.  Or Bennifer.  Now go!"  Glory pushed Riley toward the back of the stage, allowing herself one last moment in the spot-light.  In fact, she was quite a bit jealous of Riley.  Her little people never gasped or dropped their jaws over her, the real Princess.  Glory certainly thought they should.  Some things just weren't fair….

After a moment, however, Glory gave up, and the royal family, along with the new fiancé, headed back to their mansion.

No one in attendance would ever forget that day.  None of them had ever been so close to a person like Riley.  He was one of the elite, a seemingly perfect kind of guy.  Some were amazed by Riley's humble smile and kind eyes.  Others were awed by his athletic build.  Some decided to reserve any judgments until they knew more about him.  And, inevitably, there were those who were envious of him.  A portion of the crowd even hated him.

And only three were planning to murder him.

But –

–in the farthest end of the street–

–on the roof of the highest apartment complex–

–dark in the darkest corner–

–the lady in leather stood waiting.

Her stiletto boots were black and leather.  Her pants were black leather and her coat.  A medieval silver cross dangled from a black leather necklace.  The mask over her eyes was made from a smooth and light leather fabric.  But the most leather of all was in her dead eyes.

Dead and callous and heartless….


	7. Chapter Six: The Kidnapping

Title: The Slayer Bride Part 7/?

Author: Lora Darcy

Email: lora_darcy@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: Alas, not mine! I do not on any of the characters found in the following story. I don't own the premise. I own nothing. The Princess Bride is the property of William Goldman, MGM, and Ballantine Books. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.

Chapter Six: The Kidnapping

Riley's emptiness consumed him. Although Sunnydale law gave Glory the right to choose her husband, he did not love her. Despite Glory's assurances (well, if any words coming from her mouth could be considered "assuring") that he would grow to love her, the only joy Riley ever found came from driving around his car (Yup!  Some people did have cars.  But they needed to have people follow behind them making car "grrr" noises, etc.  Where do you think the guys from Monty Python got that idea?  Really.)

Driving was the one aspect of Riley's life that had not changed in the years following Buffy's departure. He still loved to cruise around in his shiny automobile, and every night, no matter what the weather, he would drive alone for several hours. His rides would generally take him along the seashore and allow the car's motor, mixed with the sounds of the ocean, to lull him into a state of complete calmness. Only while driving could Riley forget his current situation, forget his upcoming nuptials, forget Buffy's long ago death. He could ponder about more light-hearted subjects.

He did all his best thinking then.

Not that his best thinking was anything impressive. Although Riley was fairly skilled in the ream of psychology, his brains failed to reach to any other sector of human intelligence. In fact, he frequently appeared to be rather dim-witted and considered slow on the uptake. Still, he tried hard to think about things.

On the evening after his official introduction to Sunnydale, Riley drove down a particularly lonely and deserted patch of road. His body refused to relax and his mind refused to concentrate on anything other than Glory. He felt a peculiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. Why did it still feel wrong to be marrying Glorificus? In an attempt to ameliorate his conscience, Riley decided to park his car along the outskirts of Sunnydale and go for a late-night walk. Perhaps a walk along the beach would do for his mind what his car could not.  It seemed like a good idea to him.  And so, Riley walked.

Immersed in his own feeble thoughts, Riley failed to see three people approach him. He jumped as a decidedly male voice asked, "Got a minute?"

Uncomfortably surprised, Riley looked around for the source of the voice. A few feet away from him stood three individuals on the side of the road. And these were not your everyday, commuting-home from a cubicle in the city kind of guys. Riley was starting to feel even more uncomfortable.

The man in front was dorky. He was a Geek, perhaps, but one who pretended to look cool to the outside world, as evidenced by his dark side-burns and spiked and gelled hair-do. A look, no doubt, that he had attempted to rip off from some movie or other. Or possibly an out-of-date boy band. The second was pale, probably British, and was lithe and muscular. Judging by the long black trench coat (worn despite the southern California heat) and platinum blonde hair, the man was obviously a fighter. Most likely a damned good one, too. The third, Riley noticed, had a skin problem. Now Riley didn't believe in magic (he hadn't ever since the Tooth Fairy refused to take his teeth as a child), but he could have sworn he was looking at some kind of loose-skinned demon.

"We're with an acting group," the Geek explained. "Musta gotten separated somehow. Is there a bar or gas station nearby? Any place with, you know, a telephone?"

Riley shook his head. "Nope. You're on the wrong end of town, pal. Nothing's on this end of Sunnydale. Nobody around here for miles."

The Geek took a big intake of breath. Slowly and dramatically, he said "Then there will be no one to see you disappear." He began to laugh (a low, malevolently "evil" laugh), as the Brit, with superhuman speed, ran over and punched Riley in the face. As Riley's vision faded, he noticed the Geek coughing. "Woops... Musta swallowed down the wrong pipe there. It happens with the evil laughter sometimes...." The Geek tried to laugh again. Riley's vision faded to black and he passed out.

**Important**: Despite my wish to have Willow be Fezzik, it didn't seem to work out.  Changes have been made.  Now, you will see, that Clem has replaced Willow's role.  Our favorite witch will still be in the story, however….


	8. Chapter Seven: Inconceivable

Title: The Slayer Bride Part 8/?

Author: Lora Darcy

Email: lora_darcy@yahoo.com

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Alas, not mine! I do not on any of the characters found in the following story. I don't own the premise. I own nothing. The Princess Bride is the property of William Goldman, MGM, and Ballantine Books. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.

Author's Note: Yipppeee! I've updated.  Yay me.  Thanks for all the reviews.  After reading your comments, I've gone back and made a few changes to the previous chapters.  Also, don't worry, those of you who tell me you can't stand Riley.  I don't like him any better than you do.  He just fits.  *Shrugs* And no one says I have to stick exactly to Goldman's script/book….

A Second, Vastly Important **Author's Note:  Well, it seems you were all correct.  As much as I want Willow to be Fezzik in my retelling, I'm afraid it won't happen.  I am going back to the previous chapter and will make the proper changes.  I really wanted a witch for stuff later on in the story, but, regardless of my ideas, it seems that Willow refuses to cooperate! :) So, Clem it is!  Hope I haven't confused you too much.**

**Chapter Eight: Inconceivable**

The Loose-Skinned Demon carried the unconscious (and rather heavy) Riley into a large van and stuffed him into the trunk.  The Demon started to turn away, but paused halfway through closing the door.  After a quick look at the Geek, the Demon snatched a small pillow and placed it under Riley's head.  A small pat on Riley's head later, the Demon closed the door, noticeably pleased with himself.

There was the loud sound of something squishy being dropped to the ground.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" the Brit asked.

"Leaving mutilated body parts," the Geek replied, as though spreading about decomposing arms and legs was a completely natural thing.  "Dead bodies, symbols of the occult, a few bloody daggers, that sort of thing.  You know, Hellmouthy-stuff."

"It's smelly.  Not that I'm knocking it, just… Smelly."  The Demon shrugged.  "But what's the Hellmouth?"

The Geek sighed, exasperated. "Don't you guys ever watch the news?  The Hellmouth!  The enemy of Sunnydale?  Once the police find his car, the supplies will make the Princess assume that Hellmouth demons and vampires have stolen her love.  When she finds Riley's dead body by the high school, she'll be blaming the Hellmouth.  Mulder and Scully did the same thing once."

"Um… The same thing?  I must have missed that one. Oh-boy.  Sounds like a good one." The Demon sighed.  "I wish I'd had Tivo back then…."

"Well, it wasn't exactly the same! But with the aliens and stuff it was pretty damn similar.  And with our Hellmouth, I'd say our plan is pretty much unstoppable."

"But you never said we had to kill him," Clem said, frowning.

"Hello! The evil Princess-y hired us to start a thing called war?  It takes brains, wit, intelligence, good-looks, and, well, a little killing people.  But once we've started the war, the offers will start pouring in." The Geek smiled.  "Fame.  Fortune.  Hot babes.  Oh yes.  They'll all be there.  No robots necessary. Ahh…"  He looked over at the Demon, abruptly torn out of his daydreams.  "So quit worrying wrinkle-face.  Everything's fine."

"Still," the Demon said, "it's not fair.  Killing a guy like that.  He seems like a fun guy, kinda like you'd find in a romantic comedy."

"You!  Floppy-ears.  Did you just offer input?" The Geek whirled on the Demon.  "You weren't hired to be our conscience.  'Fun guy?' What lame kind of reason is that?  We're not trying to be fair.  The script for the _Phantom Menace_ wasn't 'fair.' But the action still was pretty rocking.  With the double-sided light-sab….  Just shut up and get in the car."

"Mr. Geek, I agree with Clem," the Brit spoke up.

"Hey. Hey! Reformed Vampire speaks.  We're villains here.  We kill him when I say we kill him.  And remember," the Geek began to walk towards the vampire, trying his hardest to walk like a Bond baddie, "without me, pal?  You would just be a drunk, hallucinating, pathetic former baddie.  Now why aren't we moving?"

The Geek climbed into the back seat.  He nodded at the Demon and the Brit and gave an imperious wave of his hand.

"What in the bloody hell was that Spock-boy?" the Brit laughed from the driver's seat.  "I don't speak princess."

The Geek glared.  "Just drive!  Fast. We need to beat the guys from _Speed_."

The Platinum-haired Brit rolled his eyes.  Once the Demon Clem had situated himself in the front passenger seat, the lurched forward and then began to whiz down the road.

"So," the Demon said cheerfully.  "I bet you a cat the guy will wake up soon!"

"I see your cat and raise you a kitten, that Wonder Boy back there won't be able to figure out what the hell's going on until we explain it all in slow, one-syllable words," the Brit replied, nodding wisely.  His blue eyes flickered to the review mirror.

"You're on.  And I got a kitten that says I'll clean you out in cards tonight…." The Demon continued, happy just to be gambling.

A scream of frustration was heard from the back-seat.  "No more kittens!  Will you two please remember that we're trying to be evil here?"  The Geek sat with his arms crossed, looking very put-out.

"Aha! You'd better pay up!" from the Brit.  "Three kittens.  Said Robot Boy would bring up the evil thing."

"Enough!" shrieked the Geek.  "We're almost to the cemetery."

The Brit nodded, again looking in the review mirror.  He frowned.

"Why do you keep doing that?" The Geek whined.

"I'm checking to make sure we're alone on this bleedin' road."

"I already told you.  We're alone. No one's gonna know until it's too late.  Boys, Congratulations.  We're Supervillians.  Unstoppable."  The Geek cocked his head, his mind wandering.  

"You sure?" The Brit responded, doubtfully.

"Repeat? Congratulations. Supervillians. Unstoppable.  Remember?"

The Brit shook his head, again looking into the review mirror.

With a jolt, the Geek returned to the present.  "I'm…. just curious….  What's with the cross-examination?"

"Oh Brilliant," the Brit responded, chuckling slightly.  "I just looked back, mate.  They definitely got somebody following us.  Bloody hell…."

"Probably just some health freak out for a midnight jog through werewolf-infested streets.  Again, we're Supervillians here.  Completely unstoppable…."  Despite his words, however, the Geek was starting to look nervous.  He and the Demon both look back and find the dark street behind them empty and ominous.  Things were starting to get eerie.  The Geek's eyes began to water as he found himself staring at the street behind them.

Then—the clouds moved past the moon.  They could see a figure in the distance.  A figure in black.  The black runner was still a good distance behind them, but was advancing on them like hell.  It was most definitely gaining on them.

End Chapter 7.  

Expect next part very soon.  A promise, this time!  I had to go back and rewrite this chapter, once I realized I just couldn't continue to use Willow here.  Most of the next section was already written, so I hope to revise it/complete it soon-ish.  Please leave me a review!


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